I’ve nicknamed my hot flashes “MPS”…short for “mini personal summer”. I use the acronym as a code to alert my family of the imminent misery I’m about to suffer. The announcement means “get the heck away from me, lest be punched in thy throat.” The family has been trained to scoot away, turn any fans that may be in the vicinity towards me, or retrieve an ice pack. They know not to touch me anywhere on my body for the next 5 to 10 minutes. that I will fan myself with any available and appropriate object I can grab, or that I may yelp, cry, or feign passing smooth the hell out. I honestly WISH I could pass out, but alas, I inevitably remain conscious for the entirety of each incident.

Hot flashes come out of nowhere, fam. They. Suck. They do, however, announce themselves in a variety of ways – a fact I’ve actually grown to appreciate. I’ve learned to recognize the subtle warnings and take the few moments, albeit brief ones, to prepare myself for the coming physical roasting.

During they day, they start with a tingle in my upper bosom. It feels like the tiniest of pins and needles pricking me inside my chest. Next, I get a sudden feeling of super alertness. At night, I experience a surreal “wide-awake” feeling, which can jolt me from being almost asleep. Those experiences are actually almost painful. Imagine being jerked away from your journey to unconsciousness only to have to go through a hot flash right after. Rude.

Initially, there’s no heat…just a rapid heartbeat. Then it starts: the ball of heat under my sternum. It slowly spreads up my neck, then fills the core of my body. The whole of my physical being is victimized: the under-titty, back, arms, legs, forehead, you name it. Sweat pours from everywhere like I’ve just run three blocks in 90 plus degree temperatures. During the event, I’m unable accurately discern the temperature in the room, or outside, or wherever I happen to be at the time. It could be 60, 85, or 105 degrees…it all feels the same to me in those moments. Boiling hot.

Another warning is an odd feeling of impending doom. There’s no tingle. Just a creepy feeling of sadness accompanied by a supernatural awareness that “the heat” is coming. I can’t explain how or why I know I’m about to have a flash, I just do. In fact, I feel it right now. Lawd, ain’t this ’bout a blip? Hold please…

Yup. I for real just experienced an hot flash while writing about hot flashes. What. Is. Life???! And before anyone considers arguing that hot flashes are “psychological”, they happen WHILE I’m asleep, too. I wake up drenched in sweat at least once every night. Haven’t had an uninterrupted night of sleep in weeks because of them. In short: I am miserable.