As I approach the end of 2023, I would be remiss if I did not say…I am truly looking forward to this year being behind me. It has been trying from Day One; actually from Day Minus One, as New Year’s Eve 2022 was one of the worst I’ve ever experienced. That was the night my wife first indicated to me that she was unhappy in the marriage and was considering ending it. I cried, broken hearted. Days later, we concluded we should try couple’s therapy, which we did. I believe we only attended five sessions or so, after which she stopped scheduling them, despite my inquiries as to whether she could set up another appointment. I didn’t have access to the therapist’s information, and so couldn’t do it myself. The ADHD in me told me that because she wasn’t scheduling appointments, she must be okay and everything was hunky dory. We went on two trips together and had a wonderful time. I needed those wonderful times because my job was THE worst, and caused me an incredible amount of stress. I’d been working for months on an exit plan, which finally developed in late September. My wife went on a trip to her hometown and came back more detached and quiet than she had been. I asked several times if she was okay, and she assured me that everything was fine. There was one day when she uttered that dreaded statement, “We need to talk,” to which I replied, “Oh, no, what’s wrong?” She immediately pulled back and said, “Oh, I just mean we should talk because we don’t talk that much anymore.” Something in me knew that was bullshit, but I loved and trusted her, so I took the statement at face value and let it go.

The day I received my offer letter from a new job, I excitedly went to her with the news. Her response was rather unenthusiastic and her expression benign. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “Are you okay?” She assured me she was.

Later she mentioned she’d made a therapy appointment for herself. That was the last straw for me. The last time she went to individual counseling was January, when she wanted to break up with me. I jokingly said, “Oh, God. Every time you go to therapy, it’s because you want to break up with me. What’s going on?”

“Do you really want to have this conversation now?” she barked.

“You’ve been acting strange for a few weeks, so yes,” I replied.

Flippantly, with that judgmental slow blink she tends to do when she’s feeling especially “in the right,” she said to me, “I’m not happy.” She went on to say she had been feeling unhappy for quite some time but had planned to ride it out until the youngest left the house for college (four years from now, by the way), THEN leave. I inquired about us restarting therapy, to which she replied she didn’t really see a “path forward” for us. Said she was too emotionally far gone…that she loved me, but was no longer in love with me.

I was utterly confused. I was absolutely devastated and traumatized. How could she get to this point without mentioning anything to me about how she had been feeling about our marriage? Yes, we had issues, but we were also just reaching the point where things were on the upward swing. New job, reliable health insurance so I could access equipment I needed to treat my sleep apnea (and alleviate my loud snoring), and so many other issues…but here I was listening to her tell me I’d never have a chance to work on anything with her. I refused to believe it. How could I? I loved her and thought she was my forever. I never imagined that at age 58, I would get dumped by the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and end up single. The next couple of months were a ride indeed.

I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed at the fact that the marriage didn’t work out. During this aftermath of the separation, I’ve found out how many devoted friends I have. Those who truly love and adore me have been supportive beyond my wildest expectation. I’m getting to know myself without an “and” at the end of my name; how smart, talented and special I am. I’ve accepted the fact that, as much as I hated to admit it, just as she was not the best person for me, neither was I was the best person for her. And that’s okay. The number of doors and windows that have opened for me since the separation are astounding, and I am grateful. I have been positively giddy for the last three weeks at the direction of my life and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me; opportunities I now have time, space, freedom, and bandwidth to pursue. I’m responsible for no one but myself now. I have never had this, and I plan to take full advantage of it. I have let her and the marriage go in a way I never thought myself capable. I cried and spoke my desire aloud: “let me fall out of love with her, as she has with me.” And one day, it just was. I’ve not shed a tear since one night when I was so distraught, a friend of mine drove to my temporary house in a storm to sit with me. That was the last tear I shed over the loss of a relationship that I soon thereafter realized no longer serves me. I proceeded to move forward, and the pace at which I did so was head swiveling because I was lighter and no longer facing backward or thinking in retrospect. My grief was intense, internally violent at times, and gut wrenching. The inner turmoil I experienced felt like it would cause my demise, but I sat in it. There were days I cried HARD for over an hour straight. By the end of those crying sessions, I was exhausted; my belly sore, as if I’d done a hundred sit ups. I swam in my tears and allowed all the feelings to wash over me until it was physically painful. Then, one day, I felt something turn off in my being. And that was that. I was released from the bondage of commitment, obligation, devotion, vows, and the choice to love. I mourned the marriage I hoped I would have, and released the marriage that I willingly let hold me captive. I let go of the hope and belief things would get better and welcomed the arrival of my new normal and the freedom to pursue my dreams unfulfilled and my potential unrealized. I recognize this place as a gift not many are afforded, and I will be intentional with making the absolute most of it in the time I have left on this earth.

I know there will be ups and downs during the actual divorce procedure. Grief is cyclical and the stages aren’t linear. Still, I know any tears I shed will not be over “losing” her or because I somehow blame only myself for the demise of the marriage. The best part is: I KNOW I will be, not just okay, but that I will flourish – my “Word for 2024.” Whereas back in October, when I thought about the future, all I saw was black, now I have so many projects in motion and plans for myself, I can barely keep myself from smiling.

I am indeed a lotus. When I was beneath the murky waters, I looked around and all I saw was darkness. Rather than giving up on myself, I allowed friends to hold me up, nourish and encourage me when I had nothing to offer myself in that arena. And baybeh, I emerged from those dank, muddy waters and am now floating on top of it! All mud slides from my petals, and I am beautiful to behold.