For the tail end of National Coming Out week, I feel compelled to post. It may be short, or long…I don’t know yet, but here goes:
In all honesty, I only completely came out this year. Although I suspect everyone in my family knew I was a lesbian, it was a subject not talked about during gatherings or even in private. I have never called my partners “partner” or “girlfriend” with my family members. I would bring my significant others around, but never discuss the dynamics of the relationships. This was more an attempt by me to not embarrass my parents or cause family members to be uncomfortable than me being ashamed of being gay. In all other areas of my life, I have been “out” since I was 18.
I have been through more “deliverance” services at church than I care to recount. I even tried Christian therapy in an attempt to become straight so I could be who God has called me to be. I have spent hours and hours on my face in prayer asking to be set free from my gay “demons” and asking God to please change me and make me straight so my mother could finally be proud of me.This deliverance never came. The pride and acceptance never came. For almost two years, I prayed every day and suffered from insomnia and fear because I was afraid I could never be a “real” Christian. When I denied myself of my sexuality, I was miserable. When I indulged in it, I felt guilty.
It was only after attending an open and accepting church last year and witnessing how a lesbian pastor could be on fire for God did I realize that…I cannot change, and I will never change. Then I met my wife, who is a devout Christian and my life changed forever. I now exist in a state of peace I’ve never experienced before. The need to hide this relationship from family did not exist. I wanted to shout it from the mountaintop, or on the national news (today’s equivalent of mountaintop). And I did. I even told my mother with my own lips that I was getting married…without hesitation. There was no amount of attempted condemnation that could make me feel ashamed before her. And this was a new thing. I had no parental representation at my wedding. And that was okay, because my family members who love ME showed up and supported me on my special day. And my friends, my chosen family, showed up and showed OUT!
So today, I don’t come out so much as a lesbian as I do a Christian lesbian. I shall not be moved in my sexuality or my faith ever again. I have never been this joyful in all of my life. And there is no person on earth who could convince me to go backwards for any reason.
Amen.
Black Lotus Chronicles 