Category Archives: lesbian

Oct16

My Coming Out

Posted on by
Standard

For the tail end of National Coming Out week, I feel compelled to post. It may be short, or long…I don’t know yet, but here goes:

In all honesty, I only completely came out this year. Although I suspect everyone in my family knew I was a lesbian, it was a subject not talked about during gatherings or even in private. I have never called my partners “partner” or “girlfriend” with my family members. I would bring my significant others around, but never discuss the dynamics of the relationships. This was more an attempt by me to not embarrass my parents or cause family members to be uncomfortable than me being ashamed of being gay. In all other areas of my life, I have been “out” since I was 18.

I have been through more “deliverance” services at church than I care to recount. I even tried Christian therapy in an attempt to become straight so I could be who God has called me to be. I have spent hours and hours on my face in prayer asking to be set free from my gay “demons” and asking God to please change me and make me straight so my mother could finally be proud of me.This deliverance never came. The pride and acceptance never came. For almost two years, I prayed every day and suffered from insomnia and fear because I was afraid I could never be a “real” Christian. When I denied myself of my sexuality, I was miserable. When I indulged in it, I felt guilty.

It was only after attending an open and accepting church last year and witnessing how a lesbian pastor could be on fire for God did I realize that…I cannot change, and I will never change. Then I met my wife, who is a devout Christian and my life changed forever. I now exist in a state of peace I’ve never experienced before. The need to hide this relationship from family did not exist. I wanted to shout it from the mountaintop, or on the national news (today’s equivalent of mountaintop). And I did. I even told my mother with my own lips that I was getting married…without hesitation. There was no amount of attempted condemnation that could make me feel ashamed before her. And this was a new thing. I had no parental representation at my wedding. And that was okay, because my family members who love ME showed up and supported me on my special day. And my friends, my chosen family, showed up and showed OUT!

So today, I don’t come out so much as a lesbian as I do a Christian lesbian. I shall not be moved in my sexuality or my faith ever again. I have never been this joyful in all of my life. And there is no person on earth who could convince me to go backwards for any reason.

Amen.

Jun5

Happy Birthday…really

Posted on by
Standard

She would have been 46 today. I woke up this morning as have for the past several months: with my fiancee beside me, ready to kiss my face and looking into my eyes as if she wants to disappear in them. After morning greetings were done, I checked email and saw a Facebook notification that today is my friend N’s birthday. Wow, I thought. It’s HER birthday today. You see, N shares a birthday with Jeannette, my partner who lost her battle with depression 6 years ago. I…had forgotten. I felt bad for a few moments until I realized that this marks a milestone in my grieving and recovery process. Unlike the previous 5 birthdays that have passed since her suicide, I did not spend the prior week or two crying uncontrollably and unable to fully function. I did not dread this June 4th, which has served as a reminder for 5 years that she is not here to do the things we had traditionally enjoyed on her special day…that she will never physically be here again. Instead, I had woken up like normal, without guilt, sadness, grief or depression, and  I was able to smile as I wished her a happy birthday and remembered the wonderful things we used to do to celebrate her day. And I was able to look at my current life and realize that, yes…she would approve. She would be happy that I am happy and that no longer will her birthday be one of the saddest days of the year for me. Her birthday will be a day of smiles, joy and laughter…just like it was when she was here with us. She has her happy birthday back. And so do I.

Happy birthday, Jeannette. I miss and love you like nobody’s business.