Author Archives: blacklotuschronicles

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About blacklotuschronicles

Beautiful, vibrant flower who can grow and flourish atop even the murkiest of waters.

I Am the Black Lotus

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It is from murky, dirty ponds that lotus flowers emerge. The lotus exists as beauty juxtaposed against the opaque waters that once hosted and nourished it. That the offspring manages to look clean against its dismal background is indeed miraculous. My given name translated into English means “lotus flower.” This is not something I take lightly. I have emerged from circumstances and survived events that have been difficult to surmount and that, looking at their sum total, may seem impossible to overcome. But here I am!

Besides having a fly name with a sexy meaning, I am simply a woman who is incredible aware of her mortality and the brevity of life. Friends my age and younger are exiting this plane of existence in greater numbers than I could have imagined they would. The outer branches of my family tree are thinning.  I don’t like it. That being said, I have no time to dawdle or delay. I have no time to waste trying to convince people who don’t like me that they should like me, or people who don’t love me why I am worthy of their love. I’ve got things to do, and last minute dreams to accomplish. I can’t remain in the mud staring at the darkness around me. I’ve reached the top of the water; I feel the sun on my face and the rain on my skin. And here, I will stay. Axé.

And Again, Transition and Transformation: The Divorce Journey

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As I approach the end of 2023, I would be remiss if I did not say…I am truly looking forward to this year being behind me. It has been trying from Day One; actually from Day Minus One, as New Year’s Eve 2022 was one of the worst I’ve ever experienced. That was the night my wife first indicated to me that she was unhappy in the marriage and was considering ending it. I cried, broken hearted. Days later, we concluded we should try couple’s therapy, which we did. I believe we only attended five sessions or so, after which she stopped scheduling them, despite my inquiries as to whether she could set up another appointment. I didn’t have access to the therapist’s information, and so couldn’t do it myself. The ADHD in me told me that because she wasn’t scheduling appointments, she must be okay and everything was hunky dory. We went on two trips together and had a wonderful time. I needed those wonderful times because my job was THE worst, and caused me an incredible amount of stress. I’d been working for months on an exit plan, which finally developed in late September. My wife went on a trip to her hometown and came back more detached and quiet than she had been. I asked several times if she was okay, and she assured me that everything was fine. There was one day when she uttered that dreaded statement, “We need to talk,” to which I replied, “Oh, no, what’s wrong?” She immediately pulled back and said, “Oh, I just mean we should talk because we don’t talk that much anymore.” Something in me knew that was bullshit, but I loved and trusted her, so I took the statement at face value and let it go.

The day I received my offer letter from a new job, I excitedly went to her with the news. Her response was rather unenthusiastic and her expression benign. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “Are you okay?” She assured me she was.

Later she mentioned she’d made a therapy appointment for herself. That was the last straw for me. The last time she went to individual counseling was January, when she wanted to break up with me. I jokingly said, “Oh, God. Every time you go to therapy, it’s because you want to break up with me. What’s going on?”

“Do you really want to have this conversation now?” she barked.

“You’ve been acting strange for a few weeks, so yes,” I replied.

Flippantly, with that judgmental slow blink she tends to do when she’s feeling especially “in the right,” she said to me, “I’m not happy.” She went on to say she had been feeling unhappy for quite some time but had planned to ride it out until the youngest left the house for college (four years from now, by the way), THEN leave. I inquired about us restarting therapy, to which she replied she didn’t really see a “path forward” for us. Said she was too emotionally far gone…that she loved me, but was no longer in love with me.

I was utterly confused. I was absolutely devastated and traumatized. How could she get to this point without mentioning anything to me about how she had been feeling about our marriage? Yes, we had issues, but we were also just reaching the point where things were on the upward swing. New job, reliable health insurance so I could access equipment I needed to treat my sleep apnea (and alleviate my loud snoring), and so many other issues…but here I was listening to her tell me I’d never have a chance to work on anything with her. I refused to believe it. How could I? I loved her and thought she was my forever. I never imagined that at age 58, I would get dumped by the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and end up single. The next couple of months were a ride indeed.

I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed at the fact that the marriage didn’t work out. During this aftermath of the separation, I’ve found out how many devoted friends I have. Those who truly love and adore me have been supportive beyond my wildest expectation. I’m getting to know myself without an “and” at the end of my name; how smart, talented and special I am. I’ve accepted the fact that, as much as I hated to admit it, just as she was not the best person for me, neither was I was the best person for her. And that’s okay. The number of doors and windows that have opened for me since the separation are astounding, and I am grateful. I have been positively giddy for the last three weeks at the direction of my life and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me; opportunities I now have time, space, freedom, and bandwidth to pursue. I’m responsible for no one but myself now. I have never had this, and I plan to take full advantage of it. I have let her and the marriage go in a way I never thought myself capable. I cried and spoke my desire aloud: “let me fall out of love with her, as she has with me.” And one day, it just was. I’ve not shed a tear since one night when I was so distraught, a friend of mine drove to my temporary house in a storm to sit with me. That was the last tear I shed over the loss of a relationship that I soon thereafter realized no longer serves me. I proceeded to move forward, and the pace at which I did so was head swiveling because I was lighter and no longer facing backward or thinking in retrospect. My grief was intense, internally violent at times, and gut wrenching. The inner turmoil I experienced felt like it would cause my demise, but I sat in it. There were days I cried HARD for over an hour straight. By the end of those crying sessions, I was exhausted; my belly sore, as if I’d done a hundred sit ups. I swam in my tears and allowed all the feelings to wash over me until it was physically painful. Then, one day, I felt something turn off in my being. And that was that. I was released from the bondage of commitment, obligation, devotion, vows, and the choice to love. I mourned the marriage I hoped I would have, and released the marriage that I willingly let hold me captive. I let go of the hope and belief things would get better and welcomed the arrival of my new normal and the freedom to pursue my dreams unfulfilled and my potential unrealized. I recognize this place as a gift not many are afforded, and I will be intentional with making the absolute most of it in the time I have left on this earth.

I know there will be ups and downs during the actual divorce procedure. Grief is cyclical and the stages aren’t linear. Still, I know any tears I shed will not be over “losing” her or because I somehow blame only myself for the demise of the marriage. The best part is: I KNOW I will be, not just okay, but that I will flourish – my “Word for 2024.” Whereas back in October, when I thought about the future, all I saw was black, now I have so many projects in motion and plans for myself, I can barely keep myself from smiling.

I am indeed a lotus. When I was beneath the murky waters, I looked around and all I saw was darkness. Rather than giving up on myself, I allowed friends to hold me up, nourish and encourage me when I had nothing to offer myself in that arena. And baybeh, I emerged from those dank, muddy waters and am now floating on top of it! All mud slides from my petals, and I am beautiful to behold.

What If They Had Left US Alone, Too?

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  1. 400,000 acres equals about 625 square miles. To put it in perspective: Dallas, TX, with a population of about 1.3M, is about 340 square miles. Los Angeles, CA, with a population of about 3.8 million, is about 470 square miles. Houston, TX, with a population of about 2.3M, is 640 square miles. The end of the Civil War saw approximately 4M slaves freed. ​ ↩︎

Drunk Auntie

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I have a drunk auntie, as I’m sure most people do. My drunk auntie is one who we have been hesitant to invite to cookouts or other family gatherings, simply because we never know what the heck she’s going to say. She “reads” people on the regular, because as sure as you think others have forgotten from whence you came, she is here to remind you that nope! It’s never a quiet read, and it’s always rife with profanity and colorful metaphors that equally embarrass the victim and entertain any onlookers. She gives me my entire life every time I see her. I want to be the person physically closest to her so that when she gets that unction to make her observations and frustrations  publicly known, I will have the best seat. She is a joy.

I started calling my auntie pretty regularly a couple of years ago. Not regularly enough for her, tho, as I have to bite the bullet for the first 7-10 minutes of the conversation while she calls me names, scolds me for not calling her for such a long time and tells me I’m good for nothing and disrespectful. I realize she is mostly joking, but if I’m keeping it real, I definitely could do better. But then we get into the meat of our conversation. It’s always fun and I end up with my face and belly literally aching from smiling and laughing. Except for one conversation in particular, when she deconstructed the drunk auntie narrative I had been sold and had actually bought into for all these decades.

Auntie grew up in the projects, in poverty and facing more challenges than opportunity as a Black girl. She grew up near my dad (here I will clarify that my auntie is really my father’s first cousin, but due to age, we have always called her “aunt”), and was a self described ” wild child.” She told me she had a best friend who lived across the street from her. They were the same age and grew up like sisters. If one got in trouble, the other was right there in that same trouble. She loved her with all her heart, she said. They even both fell in love with two guys and became pregnant around the same time. Their babies were born a month apart. They were together for some part of every day, especially after their children were born; my aunt had a girl, her friend, a boy. Every day, they rode the same bus to work together…they didn’t work in the same place, but their jobs were next door to each other.

One day, they went to work together, catching the bus as they always had. When they got to their stop, they hugged and promised to take their regular break together later to eat their lunches. Auntie went into her building and had been working only about 15 minutes when a guy from her friend’s job ran in, in a complete panic.

“Hurry over!” he screamed, “(your friend) has been hurt!” Without thinking, Auntie ran as fast as she could. She expected to find her friend laying in the floor with a broken leg or arm, or having bumped her head on something. “What I walked into was something no one should have to see,” she said. Her voice quivered. I don’t think I was breathing at that point.

She found her friend lying in the floor with the top part of her head and part of her face completely missing. There was blood, brains and bone particles on the counters, floor and walls. She had been shot during a robbery she walked in on when she arrived at work.

“I have never been the same. I can see that scene clearly in my mind as though it happened this morning. The feeling I get when I think about is just like it was on that day.” She started drinking after that day. She was so incapacitated by PTSD (as she would likely be diagnosed with in these times) that she could not care for her daughter. Her mother sent her away. “But I never got any help. Nobody tried to help me!! Why do you think no one helped me? I needed help!” I had no answers. I was too busy trying to cry silently so she didn’t hear me. I regret that. I should have let her hear my crying. I should have joined her as she trusted me and relived that experience on the phone. I hate that I didn’t, and I feel that I, too, failed her in that moment.

We talked for about 90 minutes that afternoon, and everything I thought I knew about this drunk auntie was dismantled. The mystery and clouds that had been around her dissipated, and I saw her not as a drunk or “wino” as the family joked, but as a broken, misunderstood woman who didn’t have access to mental health care due to her economic and social status. “These things happen in the ghetto. You just have to move on and get over it,” she was told time and again. As though people living in the “ghetto” are supposed to always be strong, resilient and not psychologically affected by tragedy and trauma, simply because such types of events are “expected” and “normal” for them…? People around her failed her. I’m not blaming them, because I don’t think they knew of a different way to handle her situation. There were no discussions of PTSD, counseling and therapy being held in her neighborhood or schools. Still…

I’m glad my drunk auntie talked to me. I knew then how much she must love me to let me hold this memory with her. If it’s possible, I love her even more now. And at the next gathering, I will be sitting even closer to her, perhaps with my head leaned on her shoulder. At that meeting, if tears come, I  will let them flow freely.

My Coming Out

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For the tail end of National Coming Out week, I feel compelled to post. It may be short, or long…I don’t know yet, but here goes:

In all honesty, I only completely came out this year. Although I suspect everyone in my family knew I was a lesbian, it was a subject not talked about during gatherings or even in private. I have never called my partners “partner” or “girlfriend” with my family members. I would bring my significant others around, but never discuss the dynamics of the relationships. This was more an attempt by me to not embarrass my parents or cause family members to be uncomfortable than me being ashamed of being gay. In all other areas of my life, I have been “out” since I was 18.

I have been through more “deliverance” services at church than I care to recount. I even tried Christian therapy in an attempt to become straight so I could be who God has called me to be. I have spent hours and hours on my face in prayer asking to be set free from my gay “demons” and asking God to please change me and make me straight so my mother could finally be proud of me.This deliverance never came. The pride and acceptance never came. For almost two years, I prayed every day and suffered from insomnia and fear because I was afraid I could never be a “real” Christian. When I denied myself of my sexuality, I was miserable. When I indulged in it, I felt guilty.

It was only after attending an open and accepting church last year and witnessing how a lesbian pastor could be on fire for God did I realize that…I cannot change, and I will never change. Then I met my wife, who is a devout Christian and my life changed forever. I now exist in a state of peace I’ve never experienced before. The need to hide this relationship from family did not exist. I wanted to shout it from the mountaintop, or on the national news (today’s equivalent of mountaintop). And I did. I even told my mother with my own lips that I was getting married…without hesitation. There was no amount of attempted condemnation that could make me feel ashamed before her. And this was a new thing. I had no parental representation at my wedding. And that was okay, because my family members who love ME showed up and supported me on my special day. And my friends, my chosen family, showed up and showed OUT!

So today, I don’t come out so much as a lesbian as I do a Christian lesbian. I shall not be moved in my sexuality or my faith ever again. I have never been this joyful in all of my life. And there is no person on earth who could convince me to go backwards for any reason.

Amen.