She would have been 46 today. I woke up this morning as have for the past several months: with my fiancee beside me, ready to kiss my face and looking into my eyes as if she wants to disappear in them. After morning greetings were done, I checked email and saw a Facebook notification that today is my friend N’s birthday. Wow, I thought. It’s HER birthday today. You see, N shares a birthday with Jeannette, my partner who lost her battle with depression 6 years ago. I…had forgotten. I felt bad for a few moments until I realized that this marks a milestone in my grieving and recovery process. Unlike the previous 5 birthdays that have passed since her suicide, I did not spend the prior week or two crying uncontrollably and unable to fully function. I did not dread this June 4th, which has served as a reminder for 5 years that she is not here to do the things we had traditionally enjoyed on her special day…that she will never physically be here again. Instead, I had woken up like normal, without guilt, sadness, grief or depression, and  I was able to smile as I wished her a happy birthday and remembered the wonderful things we used to do to celebrate her day. And I was able to look at my current life and realize that, yes…she would approve. She would be happy that I am happy and that no longer will her birthday be one of the saddest days of the year for me. Her birthday will be a day of smiles, joy and laughter…just like it was when she was here with us. She has her happy birthday back. And so do I.

Happy birthday, Jeannette. I miss and love you like nobody’s business.